Ok, I'm just gonna come right out and say it. I'm afraid. Maybe I should start at the beginning....
One of my besties who actually lives in the same state as me (few and far between these days) is pregnant with their second child. Their first is a month younger than Derek. I am SOOOOO stinking happy for them!!! Her DH asked Nathan about a week after they found out when we were thinking of having another baby. Nathan very wisely answered "not for a while." Now since my friend and I were pregnant together the first time her being pregnant without me got me thinking about why I don't feel ready to have another baby. I've come up with all sorts of good reasons.
Derek is only 14 months. I mean come on! I don't want them THAT close together.
Life is just starting to get REALLY good with Derek, I'm not sure I want to bring a newborn in yet.
I hated the newborn stage. Not in a hurry to do that again.
But the main reason is this: I'm afraid. I'm afraid to lose this awesome stage that I am at with Derek. I'm afraid of losing my bond with him. I'm afraid I won't be able to love a new baby as much as I love Derek. If having Derek changed my life this much how much more will a new baby change stuff. I don't like change. There are times when I yearn for my pre-child life, and I hate those times because I know I would never trade in my sweet son for ANY of that old life... but still sometimes I remember how easy life used to be. Will I long for my one child days when I have two? Is that fair to my children???? I don't know. I have a tendency to fear the unknown. So there you have it folks; the real reason I am in no hurry to add to our little family of three. Now, please don't ask me about it! :)
Lost Things Found
5 months ago
I know how you feel.
ReplyDeleteIn my case it has alot to do with pregnancy as well. We had a scare and had to see a specialist for a couple of months, but God took care of that. It was hard to go through. I'm scared that next time something worse may happen.I'm also scared of having a miscarriage or a preterm baby or an infant loss. I'm scared of another C-section. To an extent, I think it's normal to fear the unknown. I fear change too.
I think being pregnant or having a baby in the next few months/couple of years would add stress to my life. It's really not even the age difference that I'm concerned about, it's being unprepared to handle twice the fussing, tantrums, crying, poopy diapers (and trying to potty train while one baby is still in diapers), etc...
I'm not a fan of change or stress. Pile on top of that the pressure to be a good wife to Nick and mom to Natalie while trying to cook, clean and take care of a baby and I would probably lose my cool often and not want to deal with anyone or anything. THAT would be unfair to Natalie and the baby. And that's my main reason why I am spacing as far as I comfortably can (at least 4 years)
It may be because I was an only child, but I really don't feel the need to have our kids be very close in age. I'd like to be able to be there when Natalie discovers things and help her learn about herself and the world around her. I'd like to be able to focus on what her needs are and get her started down the right path before focusing on another.
Also, I love just being us 3. Now that we can go do so many more things with Natalie like longer hikes, bike trips, playing outside in the sand/water, pushing her on the swing, sliding her down the slide, etc... I don't think it would be fair. I thought about closer spacing, but right now, I wouldn't change anything. Life is GREAT (well, as great as it gets with the tantrums starting when she doesn't get her way) lol.
I can understand how you feel. Can you imagine my state of mind when I found out I was pregnant when Kaitlyn was only 8 months old??? How in the world was I going to care for a newborn and a 17 month old? I was quite panicked for a while.
ReplyDeleteThe good news is that yes, you will love your second child just as much as your first. In fact, I believe my love for my kids has grown exponentially with each addition. It's amazing how it can multiply. It's amazing to watch them grow together and play together. Of course I have days that I want to pull my hair out, but I would never change them for anything.
I also love that the kids are close together. Of course the first few months are super hard, but it gets easier. They are best friends. They teach each other new things constantly. It's awesome.
That's not to say that I'm expecting you to have another one right now. Just that having multiple kids (and even having them close together) is a wonderful thing. I can't wait to fall in love with baby number three. (And of course I'm scared and overwhelmed. Things will change, but I'll take every blessing that God wants to give...however unexpected each of them has been.)
Oh, and did I tell you that 6 of the soon to be 8 grandchildren in our family have been unexpected? All three of us married folks are expecting this year...it's nuts!
ReplyDeleteMarci
Wow - You fertile couples...We can't even imagine having to ask these questions! Haha :)
ReplyDeleteBut, boy, do I understand fear!!! Our embryo adoption has brought MUCH FEAR into my heart because our risk of losing our children in the womb is much higher than normal pregnancies. Any child that has been conceived thru ART (assisted reproductive technologies such as IVF) are at a greater risk for not implanting or miscarriage. We are adopting these unborn children knowing that we only have a 45% chance of 1 live birth per transfer. However, God is not a God of fear, but a God of faith. And He wants all of these unborn babies to get a chance at birth, so we're having to fight fear and trust Him. Wow - God really has been teaching us so much through our adoption, which we are thankful for. And, we can't wait for July when they'll be placed in my womb! - Amazing. :)
Friend in Kansas here!
ReplyDeleteFirst off I am so flatered to be part of the topic of your blog! lol.
Just wanted to post our reasons for wanting our kids close together.
First off, we are a military family so while we have the security of free houseing and insureance I am going to take advatage of it, and have our two kids (not sure I want to do three sense I am a third of the way though number two) grow up to their teen years while we have those advatages is great to me!
second, I am very much looking forward to the days when both of my children sleep all night and I dont have a monitor buzzing in my ear all night. When we can go on family vacations where both the kids can injoy themselfs and we dont have to say "well, that would be lots of fun for five year old Kadence, BUT its not exactly baby friendly" DONT get me wrong I have been having ALOT of days lately when I want to cry thinking about not getting to go on a real vacation for YEARS.... but in those few short years that will fly by, I will be able to take my kids on the trip or to their grandparents with out packing 13 diperbags, boxs of dipers, two pack in plays...... so on so forth just so I can get two nights to myself.
Thirdly, being a military family we have the chance that we might get moved alot (although the base we are at now there have been people here their whole career so who know!?) BUT if we get moved, Kadence will always have her little sister/brother right there with her, they will be best friends and Kadence wont look at it as something that is takeing her place, or takeing away from her time with mommy and daddy, as far as she will know when she grows up a little her sibling has always been there! ha. cause she wont remember anything that happened this year or prob next year unless it is told in stories and pictures alot. So "_____" will always be her life.
Forthly, (can you say fourthly) anyway, I LOVE being pregnant! and the new born stage, Kadence isnt snuggly now as a big one year old and I miss having that new born snuggle! plus, with this pregnacy I have hardly been sick at all so it is already a thousand times better than K's pregnancy!
As for the fear, I get that, EVERYTHING is scary! driving a car is scary, at any moment BAM your life can change. :) But I have faith, faith that God will take care of me in any situation good or bad its all for a reason and I will learn and grow from it. YES in 6/7 months I will be texting Sarah crying cause I am tired or the babies wont sleep or Kadence doesnt like the new baby, or I feel like I just cant do everything.... but you know what? I can do it. With God who gives me strength I can do all things.
Now I might sound a little crazy. But you have to understnd that ever sense I was TWO (when my sister was born) I have wanted to be a mommy... thats my job, thats all I wanted. when I was seven and my sister was five, if you asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up I would say, "a mommy" and my sister would say, "a teacher". weirdo I know, but I have been planning this my whole life so having Kadence didnt change my life it started my life.... weird to say it like that but you know what I mean, I love my life even if I do cry about some things!
I understand EVERYONE'S side to this though, every family is different and there is not a set in stone way to build a family. This is just our way and I thought I would share it. Sorry if I steped on any toes.
Jenamomma,
ReplyDeleteYou're not crazy at all my friend! :) And we will stagger these next ones for each other so that I can leave Derek with Nathan and come help you with your newborn and when I have another you can come help me! :)
Thanks for your feedback everyone!! I am soooo glad that I am not the only who has this fear. Thank you Jennifer for your reminder that God is not a God of fear. He is ever faithful and gives us strength, like Marci said. You guys are all so awesome!!!
So when are you having another one? Haha jk
ReplyDeleteI wish I wanted to be a mommy when I was a kid.
After I met Aaron (his siblings are all about 2 years apart), I knew I wanted a lot of kids close together. My one sibling (sister) is 4.5 years younger and I HATE it. I wish we were closer in age and just closeness. I almost feel like an only child sometimes.
I was surprised with Micah, and kind of laughed bc I said I wanted the kids close, but this is a little too close for me (15 1/2 months apart), I would like to wait for the next one till Micah is 1 year or so, but we're not going to stop it, so we'll see what God has planned.
It was and still is overwhelming sometimes with the boys, but somehow (not sure how) I am mangaing to stay semi-sane.
Some days are really hard and I wish I could drop the kids off at my in laws so I could just be alone, but I can't.
I think having Micah helped me to stay busy and not think about moving to AK.
Why did you hate the neborn stage? I enjoyed and do enjoy it, they can't move as much! haha