Communication

Nathan and I used to run into problems a lot because he is an external processor (thinks out loud) and I am an internal processor (most of my thoughts take place in my head... where they belong :)) Before we figured out what was causing the issue, I would get frustrated with him because he would say one thing and thirty seconds later change his mind and say something else. A simple question had a thousand different answers. For example: "Where do you want to go for dinner tonight Nathan?" "Hmmmm, Ruby Tuesday could be good, I'm in the mood for a salad. (Pause) No, I actually think I want Chinese food. (Pause) Oh, Jake's let's go to Jake's! (Pause) I wish there was a good Chicago style pizza place around here. (Pause) I think seafood sounds good. (Pause) I don't know, where do you want to go, Sarah?" See what I mean? It's maddening! By the time he gets to Jake's I'm thinking make up your mind already!!!! Conversely, when he poses the same question to me the answer goes something like this... (Loooooooong pause in which my thoughts are...) I really don't like seafood, so I'm gonna shoot that one down. Ruby Tuesday is fine, but I'm not in the mood for a burger and that's really all that's there. I too really wish there was a good Chicago style pizza place around, but there's not so why talk about it??? Hmmmmm, Jake's......... "What''s taking you so long Sarah?" "I'm thinking!!!!" Actually I'd really like Mexican food. Hmmmm, will Nathan drive down to Eagan for El Loro? Well, it's worth an ask I guess! "How about Mexican?" See how that is maddening for Nathan?

The reason I'm talking about going out to dinner is because it is an example of something that can affect a marriage on its deepest level. Communication. Nathan recently brought to my attention that he feels I don't communicate with him enough. I was baffled by this statement. How could I not be communicating? I tell him everything! I've discovered that Nathan is actually interested in my thought process. When I'm taking 10 minutes to give an answer to the simple question "were do you want to go for dinner" he thinks I'm zoning out and that my "how about Mexican" answer was me flippantly throwing something out. I didn't realize that he was thinking, she's not listening to me at all!! Mexican wasn't even on my list! He doesn't realize that I've gone through his list in my head and come up with an option of my own. Likewise I felt that Nathan was indecisive. There should be one answer to the simple question "where do you want to go for dinner?" "Jake's," or "Chinese food" or "I'd really like to go to Ruby Tuesday." Not all of those in the same answer!!! I was failing to realize that Nathan and I were doing the same thing! We were both thinking, just in our own ways.

Be aware of how your spouse processes information. Don't be frustrated with an internal processor. They are listening to you, they do take you seriously. That is why they are silent for so long. They are carefully considering the situation. Don't be frustrated with an external processor. They are not indecisive, they are not impatient; they are simply weight their options carefully by determining which one sounds good.